The Tenth Planet

Some things are done. And these cannot be undone.

Through 37 years I have become what I am. I’d like to think that what I am is not just about what I am now, but what I have stabilized to be. But, that is not always so. I am a constantly changing being. Everyday I surprise myself with things I say and do. Everytime I seek to understand if there has always been something I hid deep down inside and something is always bound to push it out of me.

When I started this blog more than a year ago, I let go of myself. Words just poured out describing all ill feelings I kept to myself, all hidden desires I found difficult to openly admit, all memories that would typically die within a lifetime. I let go, yet I kept this blog within private circles. I let go, yet I kept my true identity in a shadow.

Those chronicles had but one purpose- that one day I may be able to go back.

I always say regret is not in my vocabulary. True enough, even now I struggle to recall if I have such. I try to make a list of potential regrets:

1. That I slowed down in my academic performance when I started high school – I strived at an early age, eager to achieve the highest honors without my parents badgering me. When I was admitted in a pilot school, I decided to just float. Had I not done this, I would have earned myself more exclusive scholarships which would have led to more honors which would have led to better jobs and then better money and then perhaps higher recognition and... I’m not sure if that would have made me happier. Nah, scratch this.

2. That I broke up with the one person I was truly passionate about – I went to a public university and met this guy I went crazy about, like I never had been and perhaps never will be. I was mad, that I was all too willing to completely be just what he wanted me to be. Anything. How many people can ever experience such an ecstasy in their lifetime? I could have gone back to him and taken back my words. Had I not been too proud, I would have been truer to myself at that moment which could have made our relationship stronger which could have ended up with me and him still together which could have led to a more comfortable life for me now and then... I’m not sure if I’d be any happier than I am now. Nah, scratch this.

3. That I stopped short of auditioning for ballet school – My broken heart led me to the dance floor. I found my freedom and discovered the power of my body. Once again I found myself willing to surrender- my time, my voracious appetite, my college degree. And then I quit. Had I pursued this, I could have ended up as a professional dancer and earned countless claps and an exquisite lifestyle and love affairs on the road and then... I’m not sure if doing the same thing at my age now would make me happy at all. Nah, scratch this.

4. That I waded through college – I knew I’m good, and that I can be better, but decided to be contented with passing grades. I learned what I had to and thought that was the purpose of education anyway so I went about sucking the life out of my younger years instead of spending more time in the laboratory. Had I valued good grades, I would have gone straight to higher and higher academic degrees and put my mind to good use and found meaning in things that ordinary people do not even see at all and found myself truly contributing to the knowledge world and... I’m not sure if I’d still be the happy person I am right now. Nah, scratch this.

5. That I quit grad school – How many people get to be so lucky, to have the opportunity to rise from the ashes and just fly? I had the feeling I must be meant for something big. I built my future plans around the idea that it’s never too late, that all roads led to this, that this must be what my entire life is all about. And then I decided to set it aside. Had I not done this, I probably would be engulfed in reading and writing and arguing- things I love to do. I could be pursuing higher degrees and scholarships and travelling to share what I know and learn more and more and more like the student of life I always want to be. And then... I’m not sure if these are exactly what will happen. Nah, I’m just not sure.

At number 5, I give up. There’s just too many uncertainties when you think you can actually live a linear life. Ifs and thens do not always apply. This much I know.

In the end, I figured that when choices are made with enough thought there cannot be any regret at all. The tenth planet is simply too far.

Dissecting Time

I was inspired by Kiel, attempting to claim that happiness resides in simple things.

I posit that happiness is a variable dependent on time- time to be happy, time to do the things that make you happy, time to acquire things that make you happy. This makes time an important element in being happy. And therefore, control over time is a key to happiness.

What is time? Let me simplify that by dissecting simpler units of time- a day, a week, a month, a year.

A day, my day, starts with toilet chores at mostly 7:00. Five minutes to pee, wash my face, and gargle. Five minutes to wash my hair. Thirty minutes for a full breakfast with CNN and chat with the partner. Fifteen minutes to smoke and figure out the day that lies ahead. Five minutes to wash my body, ten to dry my hair, five to dress up, and another five to setup my bag. If I’m lucky, and that means no unexpected phone calls or unplanned domestic duties I’ll have to deal with, I’m on a cab by 8:30 and in the office by 9:00 (mostly).

In the office, I would generally spend 30 minutes smoking with friends, 15 minutes browsing the web for personal gains, 15 minutes texting and chatting, one and a half hours having lunch and snack breaks, 4 hour doing serious writing, an hour attending meetings with a good laugh (or not), 2 hours going around talking to people and settling some admin matters, and another hour “performing other duties as may be assigned by the super”. Generally, the day’s work may not be finished but I will call it a day.

Recently, I’d be home by 8:00. Dinner at 9:00, TV until 11:30, and some crazy stuff until 1:00. Or not.

I’d be at a mall or some resto bar until 11:00 or 12:00 and home by maybe 1:00. Or not.

I’d be in a spa from 7:00 until 12:00. Or not.

I’d be writing again ‘til 12:00 or 1:00. Or not.

I’d be home by 10:00 from somewhere, silence until 1:30, and at war until 3:30.

On a weekend, I can be doing chores all Saturday morning and writing while watching Foxcrime or AXN all afternoon or spending time with a friend in some fun activity. And, reading or writing again (or watching HBO or Star Movies) until midnight. And stuff, until around 2:00. Or I’d spend an entire afternoon entertaining some guests. If I’m lucky, there won’t be another set of guests for the evening, which could also run until around 2:00. On a Sunday, I’d spend an hour conditioning my hair and scrubbing my feet, two hours having my nails done and watching CSIs, maybe 3 hours at the mall or prepping for the week ahead, and possibly 3 hours chatting with the partner or someone at the phone.

In a month, I’d have done some serious work, some socializing (online and face-to-face), shopped, beautified myself, and ran into some serious life-changing conflict. The proportions, of course, vary. In a year, with all holidays (and not so holy days), I’d have spent roughly 20% of my time for social life, 10% for myself, and 70% on work.

Happiness gauge:

85% happy with my social life = This would include, in order of significance, maintaining family and old friends, making new ones, throwing away bad ones, and having good and bad fights.

7% happy with my personal time = This would account for physical maintenance (attempts to be beautiful and getting to eat all that I crave for, watching for pleasure or for education, as well as deprived sleep and some stuff), mental disorientation, emotional roller coasters, and simply wanting for more.

90% happy with my work = This consists mostly of my satisfaction with what I’ve delivered, my confidence (or wishful thinking) that my clients are contented (and they will call me again) against actual result that they do call me again, and the negative events in the process (and sometimes even after) that I had to deal with.

And this evaluation, naturally, is based on memory of most recent experiences. It may have been different in 1997.

On estimate, I was generally a happy child (trauma-free, carefree) and a happy adult (no major disasters, and I cope with the rest). Why? I get to do this and that, here and there, when possible. A few laughs, some tears, a little fear, a good amount of fury.

We shape our own perception of happiness. We remember our sense of happiness based on moments that stand out amidst the chaos in our everyday life. Whether it’s in the shoes we wear or the earth we walk on (or the shoes we wear vs. what shoes other people wear), we can always say “I’m happy, just because”.

Hopefully, we become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Or not.

To be kind to oneself

Truth is truth, and truth is never as kind as we want it to be. So here it is: I am evil to others as I am evil to myself. If I wish to be kind to myself, should I also be kind to others?

I searched the net for “to be kind to yourself”, hoping to understand what it really means. All I really found was a definition of kindness (as the quality or state of being warm-hearted, considerate, humane and sympathetic) and endless lists of what to dos to be kind to yourself. Mostly, these proposed actions are actually on “loving yourself” and its logic is always on loving yourself so you can love others.

How spiritual.

I needed to find something more selfish- no others, just my SELF.

While it is so true that satisfying others is a means to satisfy oneself, I firmly believe that most people are just too shy to admit to being interested only in the self and not to others; that real happiness is about the self and not anyone else. So when I say I decided to be kind to myself, I mean ME and no one else.

I decided to be kind to myself.

As I put together the different lists, I found myself marking everything- check. Problem is the lists were about loving oneself. And of course, I love myself (I don’t need a checklist to know this).

So what do I mean by being kind to myself? I mean this: that I want to live for the moment. I want to assure myself that I have been good, I have done well, and I can trust that regardless of the downs my life will pick up as it should.

I don’t need to be scared of what will and what will not happen in a future I do not see. I don’t have to be struggling for a past I cannot change. I don’t need to be angry at anyone who cannot see what I can.

I’m leaving graduate school for now. I’m saying no to side jobs for now. I’m taking out some books I’ve always wanted to read, some films I’ve always wanted to see, some crafts I’ve put away for years. I want to work, play, and rest... like I deserve.

Pips: Bobot

So what do you do today? Baka naman what do you do nowadays? Talaga ‘tong si Bobot, hanggang ngayon pooretic pa rin sa Ingles!

Sinagot ko. Sabi ko, I’m what you call a prostitute. Tutuo naman, kasi nga pag raketera ka ang usapan hindi lang sinong naunang tumawag sa ‘yo kundi sinong mas malaki ang alok. Aba! Time is gold, noh.

Sumagot pa rin. Loka ka talaga, hanggang ngayon niloloko mo ‘ko. Ano na nga? Sabihin mo pang prostitute ka, papatulan kita. Lakas pa naman ng sex drive ko.

Chos, hindi na nagbago. Ganito pa rin ang linya nya.

Nung hayskul pa kami, hikain na ‘tong mokong na ‘to. Kaya siguro mas feel nyang makipagbolahan sa mga chiks kesa kumaripas ng takbo sa soccer o makipagbalyahan sa basketball. Trabaho ng mga barkada nya yun; ang drama nya dun sa gilid nambubuska habang umeepal sa mga girlalush. Palibhasa matalino naman ang mga chiks sa skul namin kaya sinasakyan lang ang drama nya. In the end, wala rin atang naging syota.

Nakasama ko sya sa isang conference ng CMLI sa Baguio dati e. [Hinika din sya dun.] Yun ang dahilan kung ba’t may picture sya sa photo album ko. Iba talaga ag pinipicturan ko nun e, nagpupumilit na sya raw dapat ang bida kasi kamukha nya si Superman. Sa tutuo lang, kung sinagpang ko kaya sya nun hindi kaya sya kumaripas ng takbo?

Hindi kami naging close. Nasa pinakamababang section kasi sya ever. Ang tanda ko, 210 students kami lahat sa simula. Anim na sections yun. Sa second year, lumiliit ng bilang ng estudyante sa bawat section. Pag sampa ng third year, nababawasan ng isang buong section. Nang graduation, 170 na lang kami. Awa ng Dyos, may swerte ang mokong. Tingin ko maraming nabolang kaklase na nagpakopya ng assignments.

Crush nga kasi ng bayan. Alam mo yun? Yung crush ng bayan pero walang gustong pumatol? Okey na sya sa pedestal, sinisilip at dinadaan-daanan. On close encounter… wag na lang. In my case, hindi lang hika nya ang nakaka-turnoff. Antukin din kasi sya. At sabi ng nanay ko, walang pinatutunguhan ang mga antukin. Care ko bang maaring kaya sya antukin e dahil teenager pa kami nun. Basta ang feeling ko, ba’t ba sya tulog nang tulog e samantalang nun pa lang apat o limang oras lang ata ang tulog ko bawat isang araw- dami kayang assignment.

Yung Bobot, palayaw nya yun. At never ko syang tinawag sa palayaw nya. I have this habit of making up names kapag maganda ang tutuong pangalan, pero kapag mabantot ang pangalan tinatawag ko naman sa buong pangalan. Hindi rin naman ganun ang kaso kay Bobot. Hindi lang talaga bagay sa kanya. Ang laki nyang tao tapos “Bobot”.

Isa si Bobot sa labintatlong binatang magbabarkada sa high school batch namin, kasama ni Boo at David. Hindi ko sila tropa. Never ko namang inisip na isa ako sa mga elite ng eskwela. Kaya ang tropa ko, yung mga maliliit na grupo na tumatambay sa plantbox. Pero dahil MU kami ni David at eventually ay best friend ko si Boo, slightly sabit ako sa ilang gimik.

Isa rin si Jinggoy sa barkada nila. Si Jinggoy ang unang bumati sa akin sa egroup ng “dabarkads”. Pero hindi nya ako binati sa egroup, kundi sa email ad ko mismo.

Evolution

Kauuwi ko galing sa isang job interview. Medyo nakakalito ang mga signos.

Una, hindi naman sa akin direktang ipinadala ang email- sa jowa ko – na iniimbitang mag-apply bilang programme manager. Ipinasa lang sa akin dahil yung isang hinahanap, kung pagbabasehan ang nakasulat, e akong-ako. {hindi ukol?}

Ikalawa, galing ang email sa isang taong hindi kagandahan ang vibes ko. Wala naman akong personal na problema sa kanya maliban na lang sa pakiramdam ko e kursunada nya ang jowa ko. {superstitious?}

Ikatlo, ang ganda ng lokasyon – malapit sa eskwela, sa gym, at sa inuman. Kung makakahanap lang ako ng malilipatang bahay malapit dito, pwede na ‘kong tubuan ng ugat. {ako ba yun talaga?}

Mahaba-haba na ang karanasan ko sa Development Communication. Hindi ko lang pinag-aralan yun, halos lahat ng pinasok kong gawain simula pa nuong 1994 ay may kinalaman sa paggamit ng iba’t-ibang media, pagsusulat at pati na pagpapapogi ng kahit anong dokumento, maiksi man o mahaba, sa papel man o hindi. Kahit nga hindi ko naman talagang pinlano, napansin ko na lang na talagang dito ako dinadala ng mga paa ko. At sa edad ko ngayon, hindi ko na feel na gumawa ng isang highway. Excited pa rin akong mag-drawing ng sariling landas o bagong kalsada pero hindi na ng isang bagong national highway. Sa ngayon, binabasa ko na lang ang tinakbo ng buhay ko at hinuhulaan kong malamang dito ako magaling kaya ito ang gagawin ko ever.

Gaya ng karamihan, pinagdaanan ko ang magpaalipin hanggang sa maghari-harian. Pag bata ka, dami mong di alam kaya kahit anong trabaho papasukan mo; kahit anong gawain kahit hindi mo alam hindi mo tatanggihan pag-aaralan mo na lang. Pag lampas ng isang dekada, mababalisa ka na rin. Sagabal na at aksaya ng panahon ang pag-aasikaso ng mga maliliit na bagay. Medyo gusto mo nang mag-isip na lang. Mararamdaman mo rin na parang may kulang ka, wala nang bago. Kaya ako nag-aral- para mahasa, para may bagong alam, bagong mga pamamaraan. Konti pa, iba na ang lenggwaheng alam mo. At iba na rin ang inaasahan mong pagtingin ng mga tao sa iyo.

Mga limang taon ang nakaraan na, kasarapan ng kalagayan ko. Kahit ano pang posisyon ko sa opisinang pinapasukan, walang alangan kung tumanggap ako ng mga raket na sa pakiwari ng iba e mababang gawain. E ano ngayon, may pera naman at ang buhay ko sa loob ng opisina ay hiwalay na usapin.

Nung kailan nga, sa Salapudin, ikinagulat ng Bathala kung bakit ako interesado sa mababang gawain. Kaya siguro saglit lang ay itinaas na ako ng katungkulan. Ang tutoong dahilan noon kung bakit? Pera, ano pa! Simpleng trabaho, mataas ang bayad- san ka pa?! Tatlong linggo akong bayad para lang mag-imprenta, maglakip at magpakalat ng mga Christmas cards. Ayun! Naburat ang lola nyo.

Gusto ko pa bang gawin ulit yun? Pumasok sa isang mas mababang posisyon para lang magkapera?

Mas kailan lang, nahumaling naman akong pumasok sa isang opisina kung saan ako ang manager. Dapat sana. Ang kaso mo, baby face ata ang lola nyo at walang makumbinseng ako ang manager. Sa halip e ginawa akong Assistant ng presidente. Walang katiwa-tiwala kahit sa computation ko ng mean, median, at mode! Namaalam akong hindi ko na pinapatulan ang mga tanong nyang, “Anong ginamit mong formula?” habang kaharap nya ang Excel file na pinadala ko.

Habang nagkukwentuhan kami sa interview na yun, yan ang mga naglalaro sa isip ko. Tumatanda na ako, hindi lang sa edad kundi sa mga gawain. Wiz ko na ma-deny na hindi ko na keri ang simpleng gawain. Naghanap ba ng sakit ng ulo?! Feel ko na ang mas challenging, yung tipo bang lumangoy ka dyan mag-isa kung ayaw mong malunod sige ka. Linawin natin yan: dati ko pang gusto ang challenging, madali lang talaga akong matukso sa pera. Haay... wish ko lang multiple choice ang buhay, yung pwedeng ang sagot ay “both”.

Binuksan ko ang gate. Nasa paborito kong mesa si JS. Ang mga mata nya ay nangugusap ng, “So, anong nangyari?” Ikunwento ko. Ang sagot nya: “the price of evolution”.

Samantala, si Johnny Bravo ay nakikipagsigawan sa katulong nila habang ibinabato sa labas ng pintuan nila ang karton ng mga damit nito. Tumitili at umiiyak ang katulong na nagtatawag ng barangay tanod. “Hindi ka na nahiya, nakikikabit ka”, sabi ni Johnny Bravo. “Hayup kang tsismoso ka, hindi ikaw ang amo ko. At least ako may trabaho, ikaw tambay ka lang na nakikisukob sa mga kapatid mo. Subukan mong saktan ako ipapa-baranggay kita”, sigaw naman ng katulong.

Bago ko natapos ang blog na ito, kinakausap na ng kapatid ni Johnny Bravo ang recruiter ng katulong at pilit na ipinagtatanggol ang kapatid habang naghahabi sya ng kung anek-anek na kasinungalingan tungkol sa katulong.

Ang talagang pinagmulan ng away? Binabalibagan ni Johnny Bravo ng mga walis ang katulong nung isang araw at hindi na nakapagtiis ang katulong sa “pang-aalipin”.

URGENTLY NEEDED: three-bedroom apartment that allows dogs, somewhere in QC

Facebook

Sumawsaw ako sa napakaraming socializing tools ng web- Friendster, Hi5, Multiply, LinkedIn. Lahat gawa ng kabubuyo ng aking so-called friends.

Si Karing pwersahan akong pina-join sa Friendster. Magchi-chingching daw sya kapag hindi ako nagregister. Ayun, to this day pangalan ko pa lang ang nilagay ko dun at sya lang ang kaisa-isang friend ko. Hindi ko na maalala ang password ko.

Si Kiel chumika ng Hi5 when he was still in the far away land of SA. We had a few exchanges. Yun lang ang naaalala ko at ang picture nya.

Dahil kay Manong R, napapasok ako sa Multiply. May blogs daw kasi sya doon. At nun ko na-discover na may account daw ako sa Multiply. Kung kelan ko napasok yun ma, at lalong ma kung anong password ko. Baka napaindot ko lang yun sometime ago habang nag-sleepwalk ako.

Gawa naman ni Wendy, naligaw ako sa Linkedin. Quite frankly, nabighani ako sa ideya. Sa isip ko, for once naman medyo seryoso- professional ang dating so may I write naman ako ng aking track record. May kumontak nab a sa akin? Wa. Kung meron man baka nabura ko sa pag-aakalang spam sya.

Opkors marami din akong egroups, na eventually ay dini-delete ko lang dahil puro forwarded messages na supposedly nakakaiyak, nakakatawa, nakakatakot, o nakakadasal ang laman. Kung meron mang naging useful sa kanila, yun e yung mga egroups sa mga academic courses. Pagkatapos ng isang sem, keber ko na.

Itong blog na ito, bunga rin ng pambubuyo ni Kiel na binuyo din ni G [o nasan na kaya sya ngayon?]. Well, very timely naman ang pausong ito. Kahit naghihingalo na ang pagsusulat ko, truly lagi kong iniisip na kelangan ko ng entry kasi para sa akin ito. At one point na-addict pa nga ako at nanganak pa ito ng dalawa pang sites… na ngayon e parehong umaalog din. Pero keber, uusad din yan, hindi naman ako nakikipagpaligsahan sa ratings.

And then the Facebook came about, or let’s just say I finally heard about the Facebook from who else but Kiel and G.

Fascinating ang tool na ito: kusang nagkakalaman! At akalain mong ang mga taong hindi ko na maalala e biglang sumusulpot? Dahil “evil” ako paulit-ulit na sinasabi ng ni Kiel, umpisahan ko sa mga major irita:
1. Mga “kaibigan” na nagbabago ng apelyido – Ba’t ba tong mga girlash na ‘to e parang na-aamnesia at biglang nakakalimutan ang apelyido ng tatay nila?! Sa dami ba naman ng Eileen, Maryanne, at Annie, e kakabitan pa nila ng mga apelyidong sa movie credits ko lang nakikita!
2. “kaibigan” na nagpalit na ng apelyido e naglalagay pa ng picture ng anak o ng artista – Aber, sino kaya itong baby na nasa ID photo? O itong si Josh Harnet at Aga Muhlach na hindi ko matandaan kung naka-date ko ba once upon a time? May kakambal tong mga ganito e- yung mga naglalagay ng picture nag a-langgam sila sa isang panoramic picture, akala ata e may magnifying lens akong katabi.
3. Mga friends na walang magawa at tuwing mag-oonline ako e nagyayayang maglaro ng poker o kung anong games – Lord, Solitaire lang ang nilalaro ko sa computer! At sa tagal ba namang di kami chumika e gugustuhin ko pang makipaglaro ng Travian?
4. Mga alien na humihirit ng “remember me” – Ok sana kung may laman ang profile para ma-remember ko nga. Mas ok kung ang hitsura nila e hindi nagbago from 20 years ago.

Gusto ko sana mas marami pa akong malalait sa Facebook, kasi nga evil ako. Pero heto naman ang mga labs ko:
1. Mga surprise friends – mga taong feeling ko e hindi ko naman close dati o hindi naman ako pinapansin dati pero biglang feeling BF na.
2. Mga lumang litrato – ang mga mukhang gago pero nakalimutan nang larawan from a long long time ago. Tuwing may ganito, parang bumabalik ako sa moment nung nagbibilang ang photographer ng “1, 2, 3, cheese!”
3. Mga taong binansagan ko – ang mga true name nila o bago alyas ay nakapaskil pero pag nag-iwan ng note sa akin sasabihin nilang “uy, si Jopis ito”. Feel na feel kong umiinit ang pakiramdam ko [sa isip ko- akin ka talaga!]
4. Mga bukingan – yun bang mafi-feel mong kahit mukha kang ngokngok dati e like ka pala nila, o kaya inaantabayanan pala ang blog mo.

[Para fair, apat-apat na lang]

Nitong kelan lang may pumasok sa listahan ko, isang kaibigan ng kaibigan ng kaibigan ko. In short, hindi ko ka-close (pero nasa photo album ko nung hayskul ang solo picture nya). Uy, hindi ko sya crush- pramis. Pero darling sya ng bayan; makapal kasi ang mukha nya. Pero ok lang kasi gwapo naman sya, at disimulado. Itinuro nya sa akin ang egroups kung nasan daw ang ‘dabarkads’. Ngek, hindi ko naman sila dabarkads hello. Pero syempre join naman ako, at aliw-iw ang lola nyo dahil andun nga “sila”.

Itutuloy ko na lang…

Three Shoes After

Kung bakit sa dami ng iniisip at dinaramdam ko hindi ako makapagsulat.

At ngayon, eto ako- nagpipilit magsulat habang umaatungal ang Air Supply ng Out of Nothing at All. Higit sa lahat, ngayon ko naisip gawin ito. May meeting ako ng kaperahan in two hours, magluluto pa ako ng almusal, at hindi pa ako naliligo. Gusto ko sanang sabihing, “Isayaw mo ako. Tamang-tama ang lahat- bilog ang buwan, ang ganda ng tugtog.”

Kababasa ko lang ng blog ni Kiel. Ilang ulit ko na ring sinubukang buksan ang blog nya sa opisina ko, kung bakit naman kasi napakadaming kaartehan sa internet security ng opisina ko ngayon. Ayaw gumana ng Mozilla, na sadya ko pang dinownload para lang sa blog ni Kiel. Palyado ang YM. Hindi makapa-update ang Kaspersky. Kainis.

I’ve never had a finer evening in the last few weeks than the evening I spent with Kiel in his house. Sarap ng tiwangwang ko habang lawit ang dila ni Kiel sa kabubuhat ng mga karton ng libro nya. Ah, the treasures you will find in those boxes- mga librong titulo pa lang carried away ka na, mga training kit na kamangha-mangha ang binders, mga magasin na ni hindi ko kilala, mga larawang hindi ko malaman kung mahihiya ako o magwawalanghiya.

Sa hinaba-haba ng mga litanya ko tungkol sa bagong Salapudin na pinasok ko, noon lang namin napagkwentuhan ni Kiel ang pinakamalalim na kalungkutan ko. Tanong nga nya, ba’t ni hindi ko naisusulat yun. Ang sagot ko: there are no words.

Ilang beses na din akong nagsulat, but only for the sake of screaming my thoughts out. They don’t make sense. And for the life of me, I just can’t let my stories go. It’s like writing history without proper context. Kung sana lang lahat ng oras pwede kong iraos ang mga naiisip ko kasabay ng alkohol.

For now, napaisip lang ako sa huling blog ni Kiel. Naalala ko yung mga panahong bagong salta sya sa SA; yung mga brownout na magtetext syang napakadilim, mga umagang maliligo sya at ang lamig-lamig, mga araw na nasa komunidad sya at hindi malaman kung pano magfa-facilitate ng workshop sa lenggwaheng hindi nya pa kabisado, pati ang minsang na-miss ko ang call nya at nagtext sya sa isang coffee shop habang nag-iisa (sa tantya ko halos hatinggabi?). Naisip ko kung gano kalungkot mag-isa. [Nung start lang siguro, kasi a few years after forwarded emails na lang ang natatanggap ko… mga five times in a year, max na yun.]

Pero wag na sirain ang emote. Malungkot maging malungkot, nakakainis mag-self pity. Kahit walang lonely train tracks, vast plantations or full moon, mahirap tagalan ang katahimikan sa sarili mong dibdib o ang ingay na hindi mo maibunghalit sa kalawakan. Sa buhay ko, ito ang mga sandaling napasali ako ng fraternity, napasabak ako sa hiphop classes, at napa-shopping ng walang humpay.

Three shoes after, ano na naman kayang kagaguhan ang maiisip ko para libangin ang sarili ko?